Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
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Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
What’s so funny?
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.