my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
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I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
They did not miss in the small print
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?