Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
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My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.