The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
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ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.