I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
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Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.