me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
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My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Twitter is the new flypaper.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.