(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
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Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???