Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
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A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
when there are deer in the woods
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders