Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
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Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
My therapist after every session
This could be us but you eatin’
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Name another movie that mislead you?
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”