blocked.
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When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
definitely did not do anything wrong
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
how long have you had this for?
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.