What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
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I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds