Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
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Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
This 4th of July, please remember…
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you