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4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.