Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
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Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Beards are a privilege, not a right
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few