there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
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My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.