(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
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Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Botany good plants lately?