I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
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Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I created you as mosquito food.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.