People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
You Might Also Like
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I’d … I’d rather not.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
😂💯
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Pringles
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*