*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
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I get distracted pretty eas
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch