Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
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There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.