When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
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Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by