When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
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“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.