Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
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Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
barbara was highly relatable
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Roses are red, you always mattered,
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.