Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
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Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
lol
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,