*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
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“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
how to have an accident 101
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
#NeverForget
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair