A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
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“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Batman v Dracula
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true