If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
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The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
i could never be president. im overqualified.