I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
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“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Get off my horse you stupid moon
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.