her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
You Might Also Like
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge