I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
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Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.