Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
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If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Not today.. 😂
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I’m giving up for Lent.
somebody come look at this
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
My biological clock is wheezing.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!