Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
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“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.