Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
You Might Also Like
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
This is a true ally.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show