My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
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My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Found my door mat
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”