Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
You Might Also Like
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.