One cake enters. No cake leaves.
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Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75