Ron is short for Aaronald
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Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Webb. James Webb.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
This is not me but this is me
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that