“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
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An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
For the baby who has everything
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance