Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
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GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
step 6: release the wall snake
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine