Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
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Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me