(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
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As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies