I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
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You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
happy mother’s day❤️
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.