a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
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Gods work.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
The human personality is made of five key elements
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind