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How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
🤣😂🤣
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr