“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
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Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.