ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.