My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
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me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
This took me a second..
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.