Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
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Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?