Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
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me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
🌱🌱🌱
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.