i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
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Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
thank god
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager